Bereavement

Losing a loved one can be a huge life event, but everyone experiences grief differently. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with loss, grief, or bereavement, we are here to help.

What is normal?

When someone dies, there is no right or wrong way to feel, but you may experience some or all of the following emotions:

  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Denial
  • Fear or anxiety
  • Guilt
  • Loneliness
  • Relief
  • Feeling lost

It’s normal to feel strong emotions as you grieve. Even though we will never forget the person we have lost, over time, our feelings usually change and become more manageable.

You may feel depressed after the death of someone important. It can feel like nothing matters and you might even feel like you don’t want to go on living. If you start to feel you might act on suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone. You can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or contact 999 in case of an emergency. You can also speak to your GP if you are concerned about depression or other mental health issues.

The emotional distress caused by a bereavement can sometimes cause short-term physical reactions which can include:

  • lack of energy
  • difficulty sleeping
  • loss of appetite
  • stomach upsets
  • shortness of breath
  • headaches
  • lowered resistance to infections. 

These things should pass as you begin to come to terms with your loss, but if you are concerned, contact your GP.

Remember someone special

Celebrate your loved one with a personalised tribute page. The memories you share and the money you collect will help fund support for other local families affected by cancer or bereavement.

A lasting tribute which shows that although they are gone, they will never be forgotten.

Create a tribute fund

How do I cope with losing a loved one?

Grieving is a normal and natural process that takes time, but many people find that talking to someone about their feelings, and about the person that has died, can help with them cope with their grief.

Family & friends may offer support, but it might also be helpful to have some time with a counsellor – someone who is not part of your everyday life and who is trained to help you make sense of your feelings.

CancerCare can provide bereavement counselling and a range of other support services to anyone who has lost a loved one. Get in touch to find out more. Our friendly team are here to help.

Other things that may help you cope are:

  • accepting help from others
  • taking time off from work
  • calling family or friends
  • getting some fresh air
  • writing down how you feel or some important memories you have of the person you’ve lost
  • acknowledging your feelings rather than fighting them.

How do I support a child who has lost a loved one?

Children and young people are affected by grief just as much as adults, but they often experience it in very different ways.

A child who is grieving may:

  • Get upset more than usual
  • Become clingy to the adults still around
  • Search for the lost person
  • Express strong emotions of anger, tantrums or become withdrawn
  • Have a change in eating, sleeping and toileting habits

Young children may ask questions which make little sense from an adult's perspective such as "I know mummy died but will she come to my birthday party?". They may also repeat questions. Often children need a little more time to make sense of, and process, the loss of a loved one.

It can help to:

  • Reassure then about who will look after them
  • Give explanations in simple concrete terms that are age appropriate
  • Keep routines and boundaries
  • Allow them to see others express their emotions
  • Allow them to participate in family rituals to "say goodbye"

Particularly in the early days after a death, counselling is not usually what children of any age want or need unless the death has been in traumatic circumstances. The bereaved children we work with at CancerCare tell us what they initially need is to be with adults who they already know and trust, rather than a stranger with whom they have to spend time building up a relationship. However, in time, needs will change, and some children find speaking to a counsellor helpful.

CancerCare’s specialist children's counsellors can help younger children make sense of their feelings and the potentially upsetting events that may be going on in their lives. Instead of having to verbally explain what is troubling them - as often takes place in adult therapy - children are encouraged to explore their emotions through creativity and play which enables them to communicate at their own level and at their own pace. Get in touch to find out more. No question is too small.

How do I support a teenager who has lost a loved one?

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be a challenging process at the best of times, if someone important dies during these years it is made even more so.

As a care-giver, it can help to:

  • Be honest about the nature of the death. It may be necessary to communicate in "bite-sized pieces" to avoid overload.
  • Encourage them to be involved in the funeral or goodbye ritual. Young people have strong and positive memories of the funeral if they had some part to play.
  • Be available to listen. Create opportunities for the teenager to talk about their loss, but try not to press the issue if they don’t want to talk at that time. They may prefer to talk to their friends than to you.
  • Recognise the importance of memories. It can be good to talk whilst doing an activity like looking at a photo album. Get into the habit of talking about the person in everyday conversation to indicate that you are comfortable talking about the person.

If a teenager’s behaviour changes in any of the following ways, it might be a sign that they need some additional support.

  • Withdrawing from friends and family, or from activities they may have previously enjoyed
  • Major changes in behaviour
  • Self-harming
  • Abuse of alcohol or drugs
  • Talking about suicide
  • Feeling guilty about the death
  • Decline in school performance
  • Constantly thinking about death

Some young people may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor - someone outside their family or friendship group– so that they can speak openly without judgement and without worrying about protecting the feelings of others around them who may also be grieving. CancerCare offer bereavement counselling for young people and also have a specialist ‘Re-Fresh’ Peer Support Group for young adults aged 12-17 years affected by cancer or bereavement. If you think your teenager may benefit from talking to a member of our team, please get in touch to see how we can help.

Further help and information

  • Support after the loss of a child – Compassionate Friends is a national charity supporting bereaved parents and their families https://www.tcf.org.uk/
  • CancerCare is here to help, whatever you’re facing. If you have a question or need some advice, you can call our team on 03330 150 628 or email us at tct@cancercare.org.uk.